Hear ye, hear ye!
Let it be proclaimed throughout the land, that on this day, a day of days, the Great King Herman von Tercel Toyota MCMLXXXV, has died.
He lived his last days quietly at the modest castle that had been his home for the last nine years, the Varsity Estates Villas. When the white light came, he yielded gently, courageously and graciously to the imminent death that awaited him. He did not suffer, nor did he fear. It was a noble death. He was rolled gently to rest at the Royal Pick & Pull graveyard, next to his parents, the late great King Camry and his wife, Queen Corolla. He is survived only by his sister, the Princess Yaris.
King Herman, who was affectionately known throughout his kingdom as the Herm, lived a long and storied life as the dutiful servant of his country, Groverland. He was borne into a long line of great kings from the royal Toyota family. His acquisition of the throne came at a time when Groverland was experiencing a tremendous growth phase and his arrival afforded the kingdom a new and exhilarating sense of freedom.
The Herm was an unlikely king. He was homely to some, downright ugly to others. He was old, slow, outdated, unsafe and according to some, well past his prime. His early performance in crash test ratings was decidedly sub par. He suffered from a birth defect; a missing neurotransmitter that prevented him from learning the FM language, although he did manage to master AM without any problems. He only had four levels of government whereas the newer kings had an impressive five. But despite his many perceived shortcomings, the Herm was a great king, if not the greatest (and only) king that Groverland had ever had.
In the early days he was a practical, efficient, trustworthy, suitable and, above all else, dependable king. On no occasion did he ever fail to serve his kingdom, even in the dead of the cold, prairie winter. He was well taken care of and appreciated of by the inhabitant of Groverland, primarily due to the implementation of a low tax rate, lack of infrastructure or maintenance costs and ability to burn fuel efficiently.
In later years his health began to deteriorate rapidly. His royal upholstery was left to crack and split under the harsh sunlight. His skin began to peel and became discoloured in many places. He did not have his annual medical check ups and went over two years without an oil change. One person in Groverland even let him go without food for so long that he simply quit working from sheer exhaustion right in the middle of the busy freeway.
His eyesight weakened considerably as he suffered from cloudy vision and also had cracks in his eyes. He became lame after a slow leak led to a permanent limp and although his leg could have been repaired, he was considered to be too old for an operation. He also suffered a mild stroke, which left him paralyzed on the left side of his body. He regained some function, but his left arm never recovered and as such all entries and exits had to be made via the passenger side. In spite of this he managed to maintain a remarkable record of service and continued to perform at a level that exceeded well beyond Groverland’s expectations, and even the expectations of surrounding kingdoms.
The Herm was an extremely generous king and this generosity will continue long after his death. Many of King Herman’s viable organs were donated to worthy and waiting patients on the organ donor list. Undoubtedly he contributed to saving the lives of many other great Kings.
His many years of service will never be forgotten. He will long be remembered for his unwavering values, having been raised to honour duty first and self second. His unimpeachable performance and undying dedication to the kingdom will live on forever in the hearts of all Groverlandians.
May he rest in piece(s).